jokes and funny stories.

[D00T]

I once read online that someone aimed an ww2 artillery at a busy road.

[Dmanwuzhere]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

[PhoenixKnight]

I am better at witty sarcasm but horrible at jokes. So here goes

A man and a dog went for a jog. They ran into a young pretty woman ahi said “ what an adorable dog” the man said “ give me a kiss and you can have it” the woman kissed the man and reached out for the leach. The man hands over the dog and the woman walks away with it. A moment later another woman came running and said “ have you seen a golden retriever with a pink collar?” He said “Yes, a female jogger was running with it over there just now” the woman ran screaming “ Dog their! Someone stop her!

[DezNutz]

HOST: Name a Sport where balls are hit back and forth at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour?




CONTESTANT: I don't know....jogging.

[Jack Teach]

HOST: Name a Sport where balls are hit back and forth at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour?




CONTESTANT: I don't know....jogging.

Pffft

[Just_a_pirate]

A ship is sinking. People are screaming, panicking …

A passenger asks the Captain of the ship:

“Captain, how far is the nearest land?”

Captain: “2 miles”

Passenger: “Which way to go?”

Captain: “Down...”

[Dmanwuzhere]

Phoenix Knight meets a pirate in the tavern. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

”How did you get the peg-leg?” Phoenix asks.

“We were in a storm at sea,” replies the pirate. “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, and a shark bit off my leg.”

“Wow!” says Phoenix. “What about your hook?”

“We were boarding an enemy ship,” the pirate explains, “and we were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand.”

“Incredible!” says Phoenix. “What happened to your eye?”

“A seagull pooped in it,” replies the pirate.

“You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?” Phoenix asks.

The pirate shrugs. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.”

[Kangaroo]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

[Dmanwuzhere]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, Jack and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, Jack bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved Jacks red shirt, which Jack put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but Jack calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again Jack and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to Jack and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". Jack, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were Viking ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to Jack for his usual command. Jack Roberts, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

another poop joke for Jack

[Zephore]

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were Viking ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to Jack for his usual command. Jack Roberts, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

another poop joke for Jack