Bahrain : News from the Front

[PFH]

Bahrain is no pirate nation...Somalia makes you look like royalty.

[DezNutz]

Well good luck and have fun.

[Most Lee Harmless]

80 million in bounties?

Gotta make you smile

[Vane]

Aye it does

[Most Lee Harmless]

I'm scared now.. another 8,000,000,000 gc worth of Magpies and I'll have no cards left...

[Vane]

[Most Lee Harmless]

The children gathered tightly around the fire, the dark canopy of the night-sky above them and all was silence, save for the camels farting behind the tents. In the seat of honor, furthest away from the camels, was a wizen aged man : none knew his age, some said he was even older than Tom Lowe, but few of the small faces gazing at him in wonder could imagine such large numbers. His hypnotic voice droned on, in a slightly camp manner, as he told the ancient tales of heroes and villians : of Mahmood the Great, who slew the angry wasp and thus saved his tribe from certain death : of Fifi, daughter of Abu Ben Hump, who danced the prince into a deep sleep, whereupon she freed her captive lover and they fled, never to be seen again. Many tales passed his lips and the rapt faces of his audience filled with utter boredom, for he had told the same tales many times before. But, being well-raised children, beaten often and starved weekly, for the tribal leaders had found a copy of the 5-2 diet and thought it the words of some distant prophet, they listened patiently and hoped it would be over very very soon.
Suddenly, the sky was filled with hundreds of shining points of light, which streaked across the dark to fall to earth somewhere near the Great Craphouse of Bengahzeel : screams of terror filled the night air and panicked children rose, ready to run, to hide and pretend to be dead, anything to avoid yet another hour of this tedium. But the nanny's whips cracked and they were herded back to the fire. A smart whipper-snapper took his opportunity to change the subject and asked, loudly, 'Are those meteors?' The old man cuffed him angrily about the head : 'Imbecile! Fool! of course they are not meteors! They are the souls of dead magpies, coming home to rest in the bosom of Fifi!' The children gasped, for there had been many hundreds of dead magpie souls : what foul creature could have been responsible for such a slaughter? Now they were scared and thus quietly filed away to bed, from which they would not stir for fear of meeting such a depraved monster : the old man nodded wisely : job done, he thought, now for a beer.

[Most Lee Harmless]

The lowly courtier crawled into the Audience Chamber and prostrated himself before the Great Lord Danik, Ruler of Bahrain, Keeper of the Imperial Khazi and Defender of the Golden Goal of Wisdom : 'Mighty Lord, Great Ruler and Minor God,' he wept,' Woeful news, our great fleets cannot sail for there is a pox cast upon them!' Danik, resplendent in his new coat of many odours, chuckled : 'What fear you, foolish man, we have no fleets, save a few scows parked pointlessly in Prote!'. 'But Mighty Lord, Despoiler of Middens and Smiter of Errant Grammar, many are the evils and plagues cast upon us by Chucky, the Many-faced Imp of Shaitan!'. Danik pondered this grave news whilst peeling a goldfish to feed his pet piranha. At last he finished teasing his toothy pet and stood :' Well, bugger all can be done, time for tea, anyone?' 'But Great and Mightyily Hung Lord, should we not do something?' wailed the courtier, a strangely yellow pool of some liquid seeping out from beneath his trembling frame. 'Do? What say you? Do? Fear not, my good people, all that can be done is being done, what cannot be done might be done eventually and what is not done wont be missed! We have nothing to fear but fear itself! This is not the end, it is not even the beginning, its sort of partway from almost to never and really, nothing to worry about!' With a great flourish of his cloak, Danik stalked from the Chamber.

A small group of loyal followers stood in awe as he passed and one reverentially noted ; 'Drunk again!' His companions nodded wisely and returned to their interrupted game of Scrabble.

[Jeanne de Clisson]

Stalk & Awe

[Most Lee Harmless]

And it came to pass that nothing much had happened at all : this caused much concern amongst the gathered mages, for they had consulted the runes, checked the tea-cups and perused the horoscope in the Bahrain Times and all had agreed that much was due to occur. But, yea, not even a tall dark stranger had shambled across the threshold and so consternation ruled. 'Nothing in the Crystal Ball, either' bewailed one bewhiskered Wisdom : 'Have you tried turning it off, then turning it back on again?' offered another. 'Is it plugged in?' enquired a third. 'We could do the old entrails trick?' piped up a fourth.'Nay, lad, where will we find a virgin duck just after the Feast of Saint Jack?' countered the fifth. All considered this point and agreed, virgin ducks would indeed be in short supply. 'Nothing for it,'quoth the Wisest Wisdom of them all, 'We'll just have to make it up!' 'Again?', said the youngest. 'Usually works!' said the ugliest. The cleverest nodded and began to write, in his best copperplate hand : 'Sunny, with damp patches and occasional clouds.'

The conclave breathed easier : their great work done, they retired to Miss Fifi's Tea Rooms for a well-earned duck.