Bahrain : News from the Front

[DezNutz]

And it came to pass that nothing much had happened at all : this caused much concern amongst the gathered mages, for they had consulted the runes, checked the tea-cups and perused the horoscope in the Bahrain Times and all had agreed that much was due to occur. But, yea, not even a tall dark stranger had shambled across the threshold and so consternation ruled. 'Nothing in the Crystal Ball, either' bewailed one bewhiskered Wisdom : 'Have you tried turning it off, then turning it back on again?' offered another. 'Is it plugged in?' enquired a third. 'We could do the old entrails trick?' piped up a fourth.'Nay, lad, where will we find a virgin duck just after the Feast of Saint Jack?' countered the fifth. All considered this point and agreed, virgin ducks would indeed be in short supply. 'Nothing for it,'quoth the Wisest Wisdom of them all, 'We'll just have to make it up!' 'Again?', said the youngest. 'Usually works!' said the ugliest. The cleverest nodded and began to write, in his best copperplate hand : 'Sunny, with damp patches and occasional clouds.'

The conclave breathed easier : their great work done, they retired to Miss Fifi's Tea Rooms for a well-earned duck.

LOL. And thus the story of meteorology.

[Most Lee Harmless]

'Only connect.'

[Vane]

This just in!... Danik deposed as Bahrain deems his actions unworthy of the crown.

[Most Lee Harmless]

The courtiers gathered : 'I suggest we send for the rat catchers!' said the Deputy Chief Assistant Bottle-Washer (temp).'No, this pestilential infestation is much worse than that!' quoth the Third Deputy Keeper of Toilet Tissue. 'It does smell pretty bad, worse even than the morning after Saint jacks Day!' : 'Indeed, far worse!' : 'Is Our Mighty Lord Danik, not that I would ever say such, but, is he still takign the pills, you know, for his stomach issues?' : ' Lord no, this is much worse than that too!' : 'What is it, anyway? It seems to be some form of dark matter quivering with rage and wagging a most strangely shaped appendage : small yet distinctive?' : 'Aye, I have heard tales of this creature from far off lands : obnoxiously proud yet of limited intelligence : it gets bored quickly, perhaps if we ignore it, it will go away?' : ' I hope so, that carpet is ruined now, the House-keepers will be most upset, they only just finished cleaning all that duck blood off it!' : 'What news of Our Great Lord Danik?' : 'Pissed again!' : 'Well, of course he is drunk, he is a Great Lord, it's what they do : but the Fifth Assistant Deputy Luggage Handler told me over tea he is planning a trip to some foreign clime : goat-hunting, apparently.' 'Goats?' 'Oh dear, this may not turn out well at all..'

[Vane]

, now that made me laugh!

I was waiting for you to smile and have a bit of humor. Well done sir

[Shadowood]

[sXs]

Finally some humor back into Avonmora.

Well done sir.

[Most Lee Harmless]

'What strange shore is this?' cried the very damp but still Great Lord Danik. 'I know not, Sire,' an equally damp Miss Fifi wailed. 'Fifi, when I said a drunken blind-folded bint could steer through those rocks, it was not an order to do so!' : 'It wasn't, Great Lord?' : 'No, still, twas but a cheap old wreck I borrowed from some pirates so, no harm done!' Ever the optimist, Danik gathered his motley crew and they shambled unsteadily up the beach, for much drink had been taken on the voyage and more than afew persisted with the illusion they were still tucked up in a warm bed.

The Grand High Vizier took the opportunity to inform the underlings : 'Remember, we are not in exile : no-one is to use that word : we are on holiday : visiting an old friend in Papua New Guinea with a view to sealing a vital trade deal exchanging camel dung for goats! : There may be some nonsense talked about parasitical infestations back home, but we are above that : we ignore it and it will eventually go away!'

A junior baggage handler (third class) mumbled : 'I've been ignoring my wife for 20 years but she aint gone away'.

Thus our happy band sought directions to a near-by Holiday Inn, or local equivalent, and rued the day they had signed up with Danik : Great Lord or not, he did seem to keep getting them into the most awful scrapes.

[Most Lee Harmless]

The Great Lord Danik awoke : he immediately regretted that last bottle of rum he had so devilshly finished in one enormous glugging swig : he also regretted the 3 that had gone before it : and the wine : and the beer : and the strangely exotic herbal preperation he had shared with Miss Fifi. He did not regret Miss Fifi but an odd sensation at the back of his neck told him he might well do so for such nights of passionate excess as had just passed always tended to carry an expensive sting in the tail, only revealed by the harsh light of dawn.

He checked his wallet : still there : and his trusty chronometer : accurate even at 300metres down : he would be dead, but the watch would still work : technological progress indeed. But something was awry, but he could not think what.

Twas at that moment the Grand Vizier entered, tears streaming from his rhuemy eyes to announce 'Great Lord, we have lost the War!' : 'What?!' : 'Mighty and Most Noble Debaucher of Modems, the War.. it is lost!' : ' Never! Why, we have never lost a war before, its.. its.. unnatural!' : ' Well, Dread Keeper of the Khazi's, it is nowhere to be found!' : ' This is very slack, where was it the last time anyone saw it?' : 'In a box, next to the throne, Stupendous Light of the World!' : 'And now its gone?' : 'Indeed, Beloved Hoarder of Small Lengths of String' : 'Viz, can we just stick to 'Great Lord?' : 'A thousand thousand pardons, Mighty Warrior of the Tribe of Avo... ah... Great Lord!'

Danik pondered this dire news : How was this to be resolved : mislaying an entire war was carelessness of the highest order : 'Call the Great Warriors of Bahrain to Council : I have a noble, difficult and probably pointless task for them, the kind the poets love to write about : they shall go forth and search the lands near and far until one shall recover the Lost War!'

The Grand Vizier beamed happily, for arranging a pointless quest was well within his restricted capabilities : Great Lord Danik smiled too : 'Time for breakfast, Viz! I quite fancied some kippers and kedgiree on toast!

Twas whilst this scene played out that Miss Fifi, sat upon the Great Throne of Porcelain, tipped some oddly smelly scraps of paper from the box she had picked up and thought : 'How perfectly proportioned this box is : why, I can keep all my nick-nacks safely stored within!'

The War, having fallen into a puddle on the floor, was slowly soaked and made even more oderous and, of course, even more lost.

[Shadowood]